It has been a long, winding, sometimes “Tough-Mudder”-reminiscent road with my body. And I think it’s important to begin with saying, it will never be perfect. The struggle will never just poof into thin air, and I now know that that is a good thing.
Looking back, I can see my issues with food and my body arising alongside some unexpected pain in my personal world. I discovered food as a drug, a way to cope. Soon after, I had a friend tell me about ‘diet soda fasts’ (my nutritionist-self cringes) and I began to control my intake, control my body, and feel control in my life. I would fast for a few days, and then eat whatever I wanted for one, and continue on with the cycle. One day, I lost the control. I felt unable to restrict myself. I kept trying to fast, but my once-a-week eat-athon turned into a weeks, then months. I was mortified. My formerly lean, athletic frame was swollen and puffy, as was my heart. I was incredibly ashamed. I remember being brought into the dean’s office for wearing my gym clothes to school, and I sank as I told him that they were the only clothes that fit me. The heart ache I feel as I write those words and relive that moment is still very strong.
My shame and effort to control myself continued into college. I felt broken, misunderstood, and completely lost. I discovered yoga, and a reconnection to my body was born. It didn’t fix me, but I felt better. Soon after, I took a class on Buddhism, and following in the steps of my beloved, I traveled to Nepal to study in a Tibetan Buddhist Monastery. Again, not a cure, but a much deeper connection to myself. Since then, I have continued to seek deeper healing and with each modality, each experience, I have healed my wounds and developed a relationship with myself that words could never express the depth of my gratitude for.
My scars are still there, and they serve as a reminder of where I’ve been, what I have overcome, and the incredibly strong, wise, compassionate woman I have become. I have a lot to share here, but will end on that note. More to come.
With humble gratitude,